It’s been so long since I got my first sex toy, I’d actually forgotten how it happened. 14 years is a long time. In fact, that’s the age I was when I got it.

Keeping it 100, I totally shoplifted it from a gay book store in Ferndale, MI. I want to say the store was called Just 4 Us but I think it was a smaller one a few doors down – it’s since become a bicycle repair shop so I feel comfortable telling on myself.

I was lucky enough to move close to MI’s Atlanta-esque gayborhood in 6th grade. As a wee little gay, I spent as much time there as I could. This is where I met other gay kids, tried sushi for the first time, learned gay specific sex ed, and built LTASEX. Mostly, though, I just window shopped and learned to be an independent adult-ish human.

Frequently, I’d find myself in the little shop who’s name I can’t recall, looking through the various CDs and magazines as an excuse to eye the sex toys hidden behind a small wall for propriety’s sake. For 14 year old me, propriety often takes a third-row backseat to my healthy sexual curiosity. I was virginal but masturbating, watching porn and had a growing desire to explore my in my butt.

I’d actually wanted something like anal beads, but sex+ pros had already taught me to avoid fabric for insertion. Still, this was a tiny section in a tiny store; I only had so many options. With narrow choices and only a surface understanding of what I would like, a overly topographically textured pink jelly dildo looked like the best choice.

I didn’t take it that day. Truthfully, looking was enough. Then again, I was also 14 and horny. So, a few weeks later, it was in my ill-gotten possession. I took it home and immediately regretted spending the $free.99 to acquire it. It was horrible.

Lesson learned. Don’t buy, er shoplift, sex toys before you know what you want and take a look at this sex toy infographic to help you decide.