How I almost died from giving a blow job

By Justin Roger Hayes (Justin Roger Hayes) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

The other night I was sucking my guy's cock. Everything was going good.

He was rock hard with his eyes rolled back in his head. I was happily bobbing my head up and down in his lap – eyes closed, just enjoying the taste and smell of his crotch.

Sure, my jaw was starting to get sore, but I was turned on, and couldn't have given more than 1/16 of a fuck.

So, I was sucking his dick; everyone is having fun. Then, all of a sudden, I feel a goddamn pube in my mouth. In my head, I’m like,"Well, shit."

He was heading towards orgasm, so I wanted to keep the moment flowing. But I still had to get the pube out of my mouth immediately.

At first, I smartly pulled his dick outta my mouth and used my finger to pull it out while helping him with the other. I kept that up until my mouth juices started to dry on his cock, but couldn't find the thing. So, thinking I'd been crazy, I just stuck his dick back in my mouth.

After about 30 seconds, here comes this pube again – ruining an otherwise successful blow job. I would be the one to get into a duel with a ninja pube.

With as much dick as I suck, you'd think this shouldn't be such a big problem. I mean, that's a logical assumption. Yet, for me, a stray pube is basically an awkward moment-maker.

Since the finger didn't work, I started to try to manipulate it with my tongue while sucking.  It didn't work.  I tried to make it stick to his dick – nope. Finally, I tried to swallow the damn thing. I ended up hacking and coughing like a cartoon cat with a hairball.

It wasn't cute.

Sure, was trying to be cute originally, but I refuse to die due to pube inhalation. I am not about that life.

At that moment, on my knees with a sandy brown ninja pube going for the KO, a bitch was out of options. So, between the hacking and coughing, I've got my fingers in my mouth frantically searching. The sounds I made were absurd.

I only had to look and sound that ridiculous for a few seconds before the offending pube was located and neutralized. Yataa!!!

When it comes to oral sex, getting a loose pubic hair in your mouth is probably one of the most awkward possible complications. It’s not nearly as awkward as getting semen in someone’s eye or letting one rip during analingus, but it’s still pretty bad. If you’re a normal person, it probably won’t get to the point of embarrassment, though. 

In most cases, using your tongue or finger will do the trick. Unfortunately I got attacked by a ninja assassin pube, so shit got real.

If you find yourself locked in a ninja pube moment, here’s what you do:

Step 1: Pull their genitals out of your mouth.

Step 2: Try to remove it with your finger.

Step 3 (If Step 2 doesn’t work): Try rinsing your mouth out with water.

Step 4 (If Step 3 doesn’t work): Repeat with increasing panic until you get the damn pube out.

Here’s what you don’t do:

Squawk like a demented owl/turkey/cat thing.